It's weird how all your problems show up at once like they made an appointment to meet at the same time. I have a moment of peace then a moment of hell; to tell you the truth sometimes the moments of hell are really greedy and take more time to go away than the moments of peace. What can we do? All we can do is keep fighting in the hope that someday down the line of our hopefully long lives, the peaceful moments take over and last longer periods of time.

Little by little I can’t see and the time is approaching for me to know. What will my destiny be? Is this where it all ends or is this a new beginning? I’m sitting here by the phone waiting for it to ring and tell me my future. Every minute that goes by I feel like pulling my hairs out. I have lost the ones I held dearest one by one and this world is becoming a very lonely and cold place to be in. Maybe I shouldn’t be afraid of my destiny; maybe I should embrace whatever I have left if the verdict is bad. Maybe loosing everything I loved was a way to help them move on and for me to let go when I’m no longer here. What if I have a long road of recovery and promising good health in my future? What then? Are they going to come back or will I be left to deal with this on my own?
It has been one of my greatest fears to be alone and now at the lowest point of my life I’m confronting it. I remember feeling this way when I saw my family fall apart right before my eyes. No more family dinners, no more Sunday mass, no more family reunions at the park, no more waking up to home cooked breakfasts or coming home from school to find my mom making dinner. It’s funny the things we remember when we’re scared of loosing it all. Right now I keep getting flashbacks from the past. I remember what a wonderful family I had and how we used to gather around the TV. at the same time every night. I remember my dad sending us to bed and us peeking through our door to see the TV. We lived in the smallest trailer and our bedroom was right by the living room. My brother and I shared a very small room with a bunk bed that shook every time we moved a muscle. My dad can see our sparkling little eyes from the living room trying to see the TV’s’ reflection off the sliding glass doors. He would tell us up to three times to turn around and go to sleep before we got the punishment we deserved. We might have not been a perfect family, but I felt safe and loved in that home and I would give anything to feel that safety right now.
It’s hard to remember what a family dinner feels like after so many years. Everything just disappeared when my mother decided to pack our things and move across the country leaving my dad behind. I was very afraid of this new place we had only visited a couple of times in the past. I was comforted with the excuse that I had more family and that the weather was beautiful. What they didn’t realize is that they were taking away everything I knew and loved, forcing me to venture off into this new unknown lonely universe, where I stuck out like a sore thumb (again). Yes this was the land where my family came from and it was the first time I looked similar to all the kids around me, but as soon as I opened my mouth everyone knew I wasn’t from anywhere near. I should be used to loosing it all; I don’t regret living in that beautiful place that taught me everything I needed to know about my heritage and where I come from, but was loosing my family and most of my innocence a fair price to pay? I still don’t know the answer to that question. What I do know is that my life took a turn down hill and I’ve been climbing ever since. As the years went by I did create a new life and eventually ended up back in the mainland with my father, unfortunately that meant I had to leave my mother behind; “…we can’t have it all,” my grandmother laughed with that little smirk on her face that wrinkled her up like a prune. I actually now understand what she meant by that, although it used to infuriate me to the point that I couldn’t breath. I couldn’t understand how she can say it with such ease when it came to choosing between my parents not two pair of jeans. It is things like this that probably made me into the person I am today.
I don’t remember clearly how I’ve managed to get where I am now, but that’s a whole other story. All I know is that I find myself yet in another strange but not strange, new but not new, unfamiliar but not unfamiliar place that I cannot leave. The difference with this place from all the others is the absence of family. Maybe that’s why I’m more scared than I have ever been; yeah, that must be it ‘cause this is definitely not the first time I fear for my life. The more I think about my situation the more my eyes begin to open and I am starting to get a glimpse of my surroundings. I’m starting to see that this does not have to be as frightening as I’m letting it be. If I could confront a big 6 foot 2 man at the age of 12 and tell him to fuck off, there’s no reason why I should let what could be, get in my way.
Yes I’m allowed to be afraid I’m not asking permission, but I’m no longer going to let what is coming, get in the way of what I can possibly accomplish-especially if I don’t even know what it is. I want more out of life and now I’m starting to understand my purpose by finding my inner strength to cope with what is happening. Everything!!! From the disappearance of my family to the loneliness I feel today. People will come and go in life and I need to learn to live with that. My problem is learning how to trust people; I need to give them a chance. In the time I’ve been here I’ve trusted a couple and one of them will be leaving soon to continue her life; I need to learn to be okay with that. One of my weaknesses in life is getting attached to that rare person. Rare because I know I will never find a friendship that comes close to what we share. Rare because no matter how much I force myself to trust others, none will earn it like she has. It is rare to meet that one person that accepts you PERIOD. No, “you need to change this and maybe you should work on this”, nothing but me, it’s the first time someone accepts me 100% with all my plusses and minuses no matter what just like I try to accept them.
Yes these few people come and go, but if it’s real it will remain through the distance and then I’ll be grateful that I had the opportunity to meet them. As for this big news I await, I’m ready for whatever my destiny will be regardless of whether I’m alone or not. Of course it’s harder when you face these problems on your own, but I practically raised myself from a very early age-I really don’t know why I thought this would stop me now. I guess I can stand and with my eyes wide open see everything coming my way finding a way to win the battles and eventually the war. Wish me luck. I think it takes everyone an experience like this to realize what we’re really made of.